


Ricked and Rolled

by QuZuXuJu



Category: Rick and Morty, The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Drug Use, F/M, Main character - Freeform, Recreational Drug Use, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:41:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24419062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuZuXuJu/pseuds/QuZuXuJu
Summary: Rick Sanchez gets a small dose of the common sense as he's merged with a normal Earth counterpart and goes on to explore the larger multiverse.
Kudos: 1





	Ricked and Rolled

"Hey ya Morty." I greeted my Morty as one does.

"G-grampa Rick? What in the world happened to you?" The kid asked going bug-eyed as he finally notices the changes.

I smirked, "I deaged myself to my mid-twenties Morty. Being old sucks big ole horse balls you know- you ever see a horse's balls Morty? They're huge! Massive, not as big as mine of course but it still sucks a lot! You wake up hurting and you go through your day aching and you go to sleep in utter agony, well normal people do if they're not smart enough to drug themselves, but now I don't need to do that to get to sleep, only for fun."

"O-okay, uh, are we going on a new adventure or something that needs you to be young again?"

"Ha, we aren't going anywhere, I felt ya deserved a goodbye at least; ya see Morty, once I thought about it some and realized I'm a super genius it wasn't hard to work out another way to avoid the damned council of dicks or Ricks or whatever they're calling themselves than lugging you around everywhere. For some idiotic fucking reason Ricks and Morties stay in the same rather small section of the multiverse, few million universes at most. In the grand infinity that's horseshit Morty, a big steaming pile."

"J-just like that? After all we've been through together you're just leaving me high and dry? What the hell Grandpa Rick-"

"Of course not!" The poor kid looked relieved.

"It's not forever, don't worry about it." I said.

"Oh, good, you really worried me for a second there."

"Yeah, yeah sure. It's been fun kid, take care."

"See ya soon Grandpa Rick-"

I portaled away before he could carry on with the feelings crap. Sure, I was a Rick that hadn't completely hated his family except the leach Jerry but the Rick from a depressingly normal universe's memories I got was a bit of a sap to the point it hurt knowing that Earth was not even dust, the Sun artificially going supernova. I wasn't stupid enough to give the council of dicks a potential trail to follow after all, and well, there were a billion other Morty's, a billion other Beths and Summers.

The world I portaled to frankly was a dump, a world where the humans had used up all the Earth's resources before jumping ship to the rest of the universe like a plague of locust.

It had two things going for it; the probes I sent through countless portals reported that there was absolutely no trace of any energy that seemed teleporty or portally and it was far enough away that standard Rick's portal devices couldn't get to it, a perfect place to shit in peace and to store my stuff.

Granted, the world was even more of a dump now than it had been when I'd gotten here; I turned the world into gray goo with nanites set to only ignore the mix of metals that made my special blend of all purpose spaceship hull that can shrug off damned near anything on it's own.

Better yet though all the surface ores and anything a mile or so down was long since mined near completely below that was resources galore- dirt didn't make for hardy nanites, those things were barely worth the dirt that made them up, fuck em.

"Assemble the prototype ship." I didn't have to say it aloud of course, I'd long ago joined the 'collective' as it's indisputable leader but hey, you never know what fuckwad's watching you.

Of course I wasn't dumb enough not to put in hundreds of fail safes- if they so much as looked at their code they died and were eaten remade anew by the others.

As I watched through the window of my facility a glorious if thin 'needle threader' sorta ship assembled itself from nanites.

Even as that went on I went through the worlds the probes I'd sent had scanned.

Probes into portals with the only purpose of gathering knowledge unobtrusively sending it back through micro portals was my best idea yet- better still they were all originated from the solar system I just destroyed because fuck dealing with anyone that can trace my portal technology despite all the safety measures against that I'd implemented since becoming Rick or more accurately since I ate the leach of a soul.

Whoever combined our souls or whatever the fuck happened to me, well, they were my only real worry and even then I was relatively sure it'd been a fluke from playing with portals.

I grinned as my ship was readied in the time it took to think that. It was long and thin, and sorta looked like a dildo if I'm being honest which as a rule I try to avoid on principal.

A double sided dildo with thrusters that doubled as potentially planet killing lasers because fuck my enemies.

It's hull was _thick and meaty_ , of course; with as much of the planets worth of hull-worthy nanites of course it would be. Most were compressed into the minimum space required to not destroy themselves by colliding atoms together ready to decompress in the unlikely event the outer hull took irreparable damage.

It's inside's were even juicier, with a shield generator that could absorb energy from plasma and lasers to protect my ship to even the very light itself which in space makes for a rather hard to see ship. Better yet a drive or fly by a Sun would charge it to full without having to deal with micro universe battery bullshit that's always more trouble than it's worth, those things are only good for filler episodes.

The living quarters were like an RV stretched out, a little narrow sure but plenty of room for activities; with enough food and water to last at least a few decades and even more thanks to a hydroponics bay, and of course the fact I could always send out nanites to take in plants and animals to be reconstituted however the fuck I liked.

I grinned as my nanites finished packing what I'd tagged as essentials from the warehouse, just in time for me to take a seat in the rather literal cockpit, but since I wasn't a colossal idiot I'd put the thing near the middle, the nanites could easily move the cockpit up and make themselves transparent in the unlikely event I couldn't get video from them but otherwise I'd be far better protected than being in the front like a chump.

A mere thought had my nanites running a systems check which I went through personally- it was a fucking slog, no question about it, but good nanites only do what they're programmed to and there was a chance- a very slim fucking chance but a chance all the same that I'd missed something.

I hadn't.

With but a wish out of the tip of my ship a beam of green light spat out transforming into a portal, and communicating with the nanites making up the probe I'd sent to the universe I decided on going to first reported nothing major had changed, all to the good.

You ever see a silver dong gently squeeze into a gaping wound in space-time?

It's a thing of beauty, I tell you, even when it's towing an even longer train of condensed nanites, only those with my special blend of course- the rest aren't worth jack shit in comparison and the portal can only be open so long.. but as it is I could make thousands of Rickdickships with what I brought with me. 

Frankly the universe I chose was a boring sad sack, even the universe I built the ship on at least had some decent ruins to explore and humanity had splintered off to hundreds of planets that warred like cats and dogs; could have been fun to explore but frankly if that was the world I'd first go to when I figured out how to increase my portaling range which meant other Ricks might have the same idea eventually, fuck other Ricks, I'm a dick and the others were _worse._

A random portal dialing device and billions of nanite probes gave me far better hope of ditching them, but to make damned sure I'd chosen at random from the list of worlds that were certified to not have Ricks or Gods, though considering I was mostly nanites and I'd just fucking gray gooed one world and destroyed another... well, not much of a fucking difference is there?

The nanites were producing a shield of Morty's brainwaves, should be proof against most mind-fuckery and protection against other Ricks, but I ain't going to take chances, we're a crafty lot, Ricks.

Shame the world I chose was _so_ fucking boring compared to most I went to.

If I wasn't a genius capable of making my own damned entertainment I'd have rejected it out of hand, but hey, I'd always wanted an empire, what better place to start than a normalish world I could uplift with ease?

* * *

"Is it just me or are there one too many floors?"

"Leonard, that is the most preposterous thing I've ever had the misfortune of hearing-"

"No need to be a dick about it Sheldon!"

"As I was about to say if you'd let me finish of course there's an extra floor, it's rude to interrupt people you know."

"Sup bitches, that floor _is_ new and mine." I said mildly amused at their conversation.

"Pardon me, I am not a female dog, I am a scientist!" The tall one stated.

"He doesn't mean female dog- cool hair by the way, love the spikes, please don't mind him, he's... _special_." The short stack said.

"Yeah, I don't care about Mister-" I started.

"Doctor!" The tall one insisted.

"Okay Doctor Special then, fuck man, did you take lessons in how to be that much of a loser or does it come naturally to your scrawny ass?" I asked.

"There's no need to be rude!"

"Fuck that, there's always reason to be rude, it's fun for starters. You ever hear of fun? It's that thing normal people have-"

"I'll have you know that I collect comic books and model trains, I have tons of fun, I am the life of the party!"

The other nerd was looking incredulously at the one that looked like a praying mantis, not that I needed the unsubtle clue he was full of shit.

"Yeah, uh-huh, thank God this is a-" I paused to belch, damn that new blend of alcohol, caffeine, cannabis oil and hypnotoad oil was a killer gas producer- smells like expired milk and it was purple breaking up into hundreds of tiny dogs before they were yapping as they were carried by the wind far and wide. That wasn't normal was it? "-a drug induced portal dream." I finished.

"A what?"

"It's simple, I went through a portal on my ship but did a lot of drugs first since space is boring as fuck after you've been there a few times and I'm hallucinating or dreaming I went to your crapsack of a Universe, any second now I'll wake up and you'll cease to exist because you're extremely vivid dreams and nothing more... Why am I even bothering to explain this to you, I'm waking myself up, fuck this dream." A simple thought to my nanites brought me back into the waking world, my last memory two delightfully horrified faces.

"Thank fuck that's over, now where the hell did I end up? Ah right, _this_ universe, maybe Big Bang Theory would have been better, sure Penny's an idiot but she's a _hot_ idiot."


End file.
